Well here I am 3:30 am ...this can't be good...don't bother reading if you get hung up on spelling or grammar because I am not much good at those two things at 3:30 in the afternoon !
Sleepless nights...I brag that I don't have them very often...and then when I have one I am very grateful. Do you know how squeaky my floors are at 1am...or how loud my dishes are being stacked at 2 am...or how buzzy the dryer buzzer is at 3. Thankfully I live with 5 very sound sleepers..and they haven't been any the wiser of my late night tidying.
Boy the night is long....and there is lots to think about...worry about...plot and plan about. Then you start to get the funny feeling in the pit of your belly and you know you've entered what the professionals call anxiety. Can I tell you that at 3:30 in the morning its very hard to put that anxiety to rest and close your eyes and attempt to fall back to sleep. Hence the late night blogging. Writing has always been the way I can organize and make sense of what gets me all in a jumbled mess in my mind.
So here I am.. tea brewed....Bible...stack of bills I just paid....clean paper for making lists and my fingers typing. Yes I know an odd collection of things. But this is how I figured it. The tea is the "sweet dreams"type Steve says its all in my head...but I am convinced that the stuff makes me sleepy. Ok so tonight maybe I need two or three cups to do the job. The bills ..pretty much a no brainer...paying them equals not worrying about them equals falling asleep. So far no sleep and they've been paid for a few hours. The blank paper for lists ..Yes my mom is my list hero...she has a list to make her lists...me not so much. I am more of a "chart" girl...more broad and not so detailed. I kind of fly by the seat of my pants on the daily stuff...which of course sometimes causes stresses because I do forget things (more often than I would like) So when things get busy I bust out the paper and pen and go list crazy..which of course drives everyone crazy. The only thing my family likes about my list is crossing everything off and tossing it.
So the last thing sitting here in my pile is my Bible. Also pretty much a no brainer ....so of course I start to read it....and I kind of do that open thingy and Job is staring me in the face....Ok so not exactly the most "stress-free" book in the Bible. So I quickly let the blowing fan take me over to Psalms. At least here I can find the familiar verses that we pep talk ourselves with....and then it hits me. That is how I am with God.....isn't it. I want all the familiar stuff. Especially in the hard stuff..... I don't want God to throw me a curve ball. I mean I've been a Christian or a human long enough to know that hard times are going to come. Honestly I haven't had to deal with too much of it myself. But please God if I do...make it A, B or C because I certainly can't handle X,Y or Z.
Wow..... really.... ok back over to Job I go. He certainly didn't pick his plight...and yet he says "Though he slays me, yet will I hope in him." Job 13:15
He didn't give God a list of things not to do so he could still maintain his hope...his faith...his steadfastness. I think I do. Yuck....these late nights can really reveal some stuff you'd rather keep tucked away.
Anyways so my mind starts going...how far could God push me before I said UNCLE...no more God...this is the one thing I won't let you take!! (like I have any control over that) What I do have control over is my attitude when he walks me through a season that I didn't see coming and certainly would rather not trudge through....how do I handle it. Though you slay me....my HOPE is in you! Gulp.....yes Lord....even then...my hope is in you.
The fact is I've seen many of my friends walk through times and said to myself "I don't know if I could handle that" and guess what it wasn't for me to handle. God has "things" for me to handle he has times of joy and he has times of sorrow and times of testing. I don't get to say "I don't know if I can handle that" to the things that he has for me. I can and I will handle it. See I don't get much of a choice here....if I say you've got all of me God ....then I can't go and decide to take some back when it doesn't suit me or I know its going to be painful. I mean I could....we do it all the time. But do I really want to?
Towards the end of Job there is this little line that says "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first...and it goes onto list all the things that the Lord restored to Job. Pretty awesome....Though you slay me , YET will I hope in him......not that we endure trials to greedily reap God's blessings. But God doesn't hold back his blessings from those who hope in Him.
So that is what my pile of stuff laying next to me led me to...the tea...not doing the trick. The bills yup still paid...but about 3 o'clock tomorrow they'll be a few more in my mailbox. The list ahhhh I stink at writing lists who am I kidding. My Bible....never fails me....the pit in my stomach pretty much gonzo..replaced by an urge for breakfast now. My anxiety in check....do I have stuff to be anxious about ...sure...I am breathing. What good is it going to do me. If he has brought something into my life I know he will walk beside me. In the process of it all he will reveal more of himself to me. Hopefully when I've walked through it I will be a smidgen more of a reflection of the One I put my hope in !!
Ok totally side note but tomorrow ...actually today we have a birthday to CELEBRATE ....Nadia Rose is turning 15 .....yikes no wonder I can't sleep. I can't believe I am old enough to have a kid 15 ..totally crazy if you ask me. Any-who....I know we moms all have to say the many nice things about our kids ....especially on FB or bloggy things so EVERYONE knows how swell our kids are :-))) and in turn think maybe we are swell too (you know its true) But really she is a pretty great kid....and how that is happening is beyond me. Yes Steve and I take our parenting very seriously....but she is our oldest and you know how that goes....lots of trial and era...poor thing...we can be slow learners. She is gracious though....kind of...ok so that isn't her strongest point....but we laugh about it....and its funny as they get older you can catch glimpses of them getting it that you're really just all in this together trying to figure this out as you go each day...begging God for wisdom and grace. I love that girl....I prayed for a red-headed baby ....married someone with dark hair....loved him too much to get sidetracked on hair color. But God grants even the smallest desires of our hearts. Happy Birthday Nadia ....I love you so....and if we could arrange for you to stay 15 for like the next 5 years that would be swell...because there is going to be no living with your dad if you keep this up !!
Steve's gym alarm clock is going off...good night....or good morning....good coffee here I come !!
My treasures
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Nana Clare
I would like to spend just a few minutes to honor my Nana.
I have to privilege of being her oldest grandchild, and though it is very true my grandmother never had favorites among us I have to admit to my brothers and cousins after I had my forth child I would tease her and say I must be her favorite now because after all I had four kids to be just like her. She would laugh. But I knew, just like all of us knew, that we were all her favorites.
Each one of us were special to her. If you ever doubted that all you had to do was go over and sit at her kitchen table. She would start pulling out the leftovers, even though you had insisted that you had just eaten. You would end up with a plate full of food and a cup of instant coffee. Then she would sit with you and talk. She and I would often end up talking about raising kids. She would tell me some story about raising her own kids. Then tell me I was doing a good job with my own. I can't begin to tell you how much her words would encourage me as a young mother.
There are many things that I will remember about Nana. I don't think I'll ever pass a yard sale without thinking of her. The smell of meatballs frying with bring me back to her kitchen and who could forget Nana in her pink rollers.
But the thing I will remember most about Nana are her hands. As she grew older I would look at her hands and to me they would tell her life story. Most would say they were wrinkled and worn. But I looked at them and saw a legacy...my legacy.
One of the earliest memories I have of Nana was when we were living on Pembroke Ave. At the change of the season she would come and help my mom iron curtains. No one could hand wash and iron curtains like Nana. I can picture Mama sitting at our dining room table, my mom wiping down windows and Nana's hands dancing over the ruffles and valances with the steaming iron. How rich my world felt that day sitting there with my great-grandmother , grandmother, and mother. I know those are some of the moments that have made me who I am today. Nothing fancy just one generation teaching the next...one set of capable hands loving on the younger one.
I saw her hands cook meals and always have enough to give to a neighbor. In fact the neighbors always got the first portion she would gladly take less for herself.
Those hands were always generous..she always had a little money to slip in your pocket and a wink to keep it between us.
I saw her tender hands lovingly care for her own mother. Selflessly putting her own life aside to feed, wash and lift her into bed each night. I saw the fruits of that as I watched my own mom do the same for her.
I watched her hands hold my babies as she imparted motherly advice to me. Those memories I will always hold dear to my heart.
Then I watched my children hold her weaker hands and no matter how she was feeling she always had a smile for them.
Her hands weren't into fancy things of this world. They were practical and frugal. Not so she could have more for herself, only so that she could do more for all of us.
Her hands never rested but were diligent. If someone needed care she would set herself to the task. No task was beneath her. Her hands always had a purpose.
The last time I saw Nana I held her hand, my strong one, in her frail one. The arthritis had taken a toll on them. But to me they were still beautiful...I looked and studied them a bit, and then looked at my own. Hers had once looked like mine and she had done her job well. Now it is my hands who are to reach into the next generation...
I can't imagine doing it as selflessly as she has all these years but I am not left to figure it all out for myself because there is yet another set of hands in my life that reflect hers very well. I get to look to them and hold onto them for guidance.
In closing I leave you with a scripture from Ecclesiastes
Whatever you hand finds to do, do it with all your might;
Nana did that she never gave half and effort to anything she did. It's days like today that should make us stop and think and look at our own hands and ask the question what am I doing with these to make someone elses life better?
Nana you led me by example that it is not in the extravagant life that you find contentment. It is in serving others that we really find true joy. I may never be able to fill your shoes Nana but I hope my hands can love others tirelessly like yours did. Until one day when we stand in Heaven ...hand in hand....I love you.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
December 28th .....we made it again
Well the hustle and bustle is pretty much winding down....I can hear the collective sighs of relief !! I have to admit this Christmas season was smooth sailing. It was almost weird it went off pretty much with out a hitch. Before you get all jealous on me don't worry we've had our share of crazy stressful Christmas seasons. We've had the billions of toys to find and then assemble. The stress of making both sides of in-laws happy and really giving each of them a fair share of quality time. We've had the puking holidays, the ear infection, the just plain old over tired cranky holidays. We've had the backed up sink right before Christmas dinner holiday when you have 15 people for dinner and no where to wash dishes. We've had the holidays where you are counting your pennies and stretching every dollar. (we've also been blessed with above and beyond many years)
So as I crawled into bed on Christmas night I was almost a little smug with myself, "HA! We've mastered this holiday thing !!" I told myself. Then quickly rebuked myself because you see so much of our uneventful holiday was just that it was UNEVENTFUL ...you can't plan or predict backed up sinks or stomach bugs or broken toys or even grumpy kids. So even though we had no so called glitches there was a sort of peace that settled over us this year. Now don't get me wrong I had some waves of panic over the usual things..what to get the in-laws, making sure each kids kind of get the same amount, Christmas cards, and a way too big tree for my living room. On a whole though it was pretty tranquil. We enjoyed some quality family time as we lit our advent wreath and followed a devotion through the weeks leading up to Christmas. I did as much shopping as I could online which cut down on me being in the stores with 4 kids. Truth be told my kids like the stores more than I do..I hate shopping..I really hate crowds, so this really helped me to keep sane. So all these things did aide in me feeling "lighter" this season but if I had to pinpoint one thing that really helped the most it would be the 5 people that live with me. Steve and I have always worked through things as a team...but of course as the years go on its been perfected less work more flow. He knows the things that trigger stress and tries to steer me away..or he verbally reminds me that I am stressing over something that is going to pass in a few weeks. That helps me keep it into perspective. He really is my right hand (or I am his right hand :)..from wrapping, to errands, to helping hosting I never have to ask twice for help....for that I am very,very grateful. This year though was the first year I didn't feel like we were a two person team....the kids really pitched in. First of all they kept it "joyful" they would bring me back to reality when I was stressing about the silliness. Kids have a knack with that don't they..some more than others...Steven does that for me, and as much as I get irritated at how RIGHT he is..I appreciate the shot of reality. I also appreciate the physical help that they all can be now. Now I know that if we didn't invest in them all year long, encouraging them to be selfless and to look for ways to serve, they would be a drain on the holidays. Instead things were getting done...cookies were baked, gifts were wrapped, rooms were swept and dusted, tables were set, and for the most part smiles were on faces. I was no longer a one man show...and that was the "peace" that made this Christmas sweet.
So this is not at all to gloat on how great our Christmas was....its to say that I am beginning to realize that Christmas is really all about what you invest in your relationships all year long. So many of us think by putting up some Martha Stewart Christmas decorations, dressing in our best, buying the perfect gift for everyone and sending the Christmas card that portrays our children as cherubs...this will then guarantee the Christmas season we've been longing for. That's really only making sure the "outside" is looking perfect...but you see the outside is subject to all the "unpredictable." When we've taken time to prepare the inside, well then the "unpredictable" doesn't ruffle us as much. I think that is what I felt this year I didn't try to bring us all together and stick a big "perfect" bow on us for the day. We've grown this year in huge ways, through some difficult things but through those things beautiful things have begun to emerge. Are we perfect?...not a chance...have we arrived?...not even close....But do we love??? yes with all our HEARTS....when its easy, when its ugly, when its messy, and when its lovely. So those were some of the "fruits" I "tasted" this Christmas season....and when you get a taste of something so sweet it makes you grateful, but most of all prepared to persevere through some more tilling of the soil in your family garden. As 2012 draws near I pray that each of us find the spot in our garden that the Lord has for us to do some work...so that we may reap a harvest of peace, love and joy for many years to come!
Galatians 6:7 For at the proper time we will reap a harvest IF we do not give up.
So as I crawled into bed on Christmas night I was almost a little smug with myself, "HA! We've mastered this holiday thing !!" I told myself. Then quickly rebuked myself because you see so much of our uneventful holiday was just that it was UNEVENTFUL ...you can't plan or predict backed up sinks or stomach bugs or broken toys or even grumpy kids. So even though we had no so called glitches there was a sort of peace that settled over us this year. Now don't get me wrong I had some waves of panic over the usual things..what to get the in-laws, making sure each kids kind of get the same amount, Christmas cards, and a way too big tree for my living room. On a whole though it was pretty tranquil. We enjoyed some quality family time as we lit our advent wreath and followed a devotion through the weeks leading up to Christmas. I did as much shopping as I could online which cut down on me being in the stores with 4 kids. Truth be told my kids like the stores more than I do..I hate shopping..I really hate crowds, so this really helped me to keep sane. So all these things did aide in me feeling "lighter" this season but if I had to pinpoint one thing that really helped the most it would be the 5 people that live with me. Steve and I have always worked through things as a team...but of course as the years go on its been perfected less work more flow. He knows the things that trigger stress and tries to steer me away..or he verbally reminds me that I am stressing over something that is going to pass in a few weeks. That helps me keep it into perspective. He really is my right hand (or I am his right hand :)..from wrapping, to errands, to helping hosting I never have to ask twice for help....for that I am very,very grateful. This year though was the first year I didn't feel like we were a two person team....the kids really pitched in. First of all they kept it "joyful" they would bring me back to reality when I was stressing about the silliness. Kids have a knack with that don't they..some more than others...Steven does that for me, and as much as I get irritated at how RIGHT he is..I appreciate the shot of reality. I also appreciate the physical help that they all can be now. Now I know that if we didn't invest in them all year long, encouraging them to be selfless and to look for ways to serve, they would be a drain on the holidays. Instead things were getting done...cookies were baked, gifts were wrapped, rooms were swept and dusted, tables were set, and for the most part smiles were on faces. I was no longer a one man show...and that was the "peace" that made this Christmas sweet.
So this is not at all to gloat on how great our Christmas was....its to say that I am beginning to realize that Christmas is really all about what you invest in your relationships all year long. So many of us think by putting up some Martha Stewart Christmas decorations, dressing in our best, buying the perfect gift for everyone and sending the Christmas card that portrays our children as cherubs...this will then guarantee the Christmas season we've been longing for. That's really only making sure the "outside" is looking perfect...but you see the outside is subject to all the "unpredictable." When we've taken time to prepare the inside, well then the "unpredictable" doesn't ruffle us as much. I think that is what I felt this year I didn't try to bring us all together and stick a big "perfect" bow on us for the day. We've grown this year in huge ways, through some difficult things but through those things beautiful things have begun to emerge. Are we perfect?...not a chance...have we arrived?...not even close....But do we love??? yes with all our HEARTS....when its easy, when its ugly, when its messy, and when its lovely. So those were some of the "fruits" I "tasted" this Christmas season....and when you get a taste of something so sweet it makes you grateful, but most of all prepared to persevere through some more tilling of the soil in your family garden. As 2012 draws near I pray that each of us find the spot in our garden that the Lord has for us to do some work...so that we may reap a harvest of peace, love and joy for many years to come!
Galatians 6:7 For at the proper time we will reap a harvest IF we do not give up.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
looking for the ghost of Christmas past
So here we are another CHRISTmas is upon us!
Of course because I am a total sap I decided to go digging through iPhoto to see pictures of Christmas past (thanks to my wonderful husband we have lots of pictures to look back on and cherish moments we may have forgotten).....OH my was I boo-hooing over those pictures! Not only did my kids look totally squeezable with their chubby cheeks, Christmas jammies all matchy matchy, they had that total twinkle in their eyes!! Man I miss that twinkle !! Ok so I boo-hooed over that stuff BIG time! But then I looked at me...yes I looked tired because who doesn't Christmas morning? December is like mom marathon of the year and you know you are so close to being finished...just a few more gifts, a fancy meal, a billion toy fixes and battery installs and you will cross that ribbon finish line. ahhhh Ok so all that tired I saw but I also saw what 10 years does to you! For the first time I didn't only see that my kids are getting older, I saw that SO AM I !! Wasn't the most thrilling moment ...ok so you guessed it back to boo-hooing I go. I was talking to one of my dear tender hearted friends just chatting on the amount of mom tears gets shed !! Its like the moment you become a mom you blow a leak and its a steady stream from then on. Why? Let's face it being a mom makes you a mush in ways you never dreamed possible....its a good thing, alittle soggy but all good.
So as another Christmas approaches see not only my kids are growing old ...but so am I (and of course that means Steve too) Its funny how easy it is to see everyone else get older but yourself ...even though the smart side of you knows its happening...unless you're are some how drinking from the fountain of youth we are all aging. I guess we got to learn to embrace it on some level.
In someways its a bit comforting this growing older stage...there is a certain ease to the rhythm of life you settle into. You figure the stressful "stuff" out for the most part. There are alot less of the "freak-out" moments...maybe its that freaking out requires too much energy and your at a stage where you are not into wasting precious energy and time....which brings me to another thought.
I've had this reoccurring thought lately (I think it goes with being almost 40) but if I had another baby what would I do differently. I've mulled it over and had a talk with Steve about it...honestly I wouldn't do much differently. Of course things would be done differently because I am DIFFERENT than I was 10 years ago....but the core things would be the same...because there is a ribbon of consistency that runs through my life. So yeah I would probably not stress about perfectly scheduled naps, and feedings equally spaced. I would snuggle a little longer and linger a bit longer over those first smiles and cooing sounds. In the end that would be way more for me than the baby :-)
So that brought me to this "ribbon of consistency" that runs through and around my life. Not a rope that ties and binds and constricts you, but a beautiful ribbon that weaves in & out. Gracefully joining one year to another. My "ribbon" is the advent wreath that gets lit for 4 weeks before Christmas and as I sit with my children I can close my eyes and hear my dads voice reading the same scriptures as my husband does in preparation of the Kings birth. My "ribbon" is trekking out to get a Christmas tree with Steve and the kids and squabbling over the WAY too BIG tree they pick out each year. My "ribbon" is putting out our nativity scene and hiding baby Jesus until Christmas morning when one of the kids put him in his spot and listening to the Christmas story before a gift is touched.
My "ribbon" is watching my dad faithfully come home to my mom each night..I watch him go up the driveway knowing that as he walks in the door and out of sight from my vantage point at the kitchen window he is being greeted by the love of his life. My "ribbon" is a husband that calls every night on the way home from work and heart that leaps at the sound of his voice and a flurry of kids happy voices (still) because "daddys home". My "ribbon" is hearing my son strum on the guitar and hearing my dad and my brother as his fingers dance across the strings.
My "ribbon" has weaved me through some great days and on the not so great days my "ribbon" has gently kept me in place....its been something that I could grab a hold of when I wasn't totally clear on where the next step would land me. My "ribbon" will be with me as I move onto all the other stages of life. It will wrap me in its memories, and history, its traditions but most of all its love. So yes I see a much younger woman in those pictures of Christmases past....but I am a woman blessed beyond belief as yet another length of my "ribbon" gets wrapped into my life.
Merry CHRISTMAS and may the love of Jesus' love wrap you in peace this week and through all the seasons of your life.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Seasons
Text to Steve this afternoon....
"I miss simpler days"....."I feel so torn"
I miss the days when there was NO thought of anyone being out of the house on the weekends....Now its actually a treat when all 4 kids end up with NO plans all weekend long. That makes me sad.....am I crazy ?? Maybe !! I know some parents who long for the days of freedom.....and yet I feel just the opposite some days. I mean don't get me wrong I do like that I can run to the grocery store by myself from time to time and quietly stroll the aisles with out 4 kids in tow. On the other hand I had a total melt down a few weeks back when NONE of my kids wanted to come out and run errands with me. My poor husband had to console me in the parking lot of Target as I boo-hooed into the phone like my life was almost over.
I love having my kids with me....even through the craziness and loudness and frustration that goes with having 4 kids with you 24 hours a day I honestly can't imagine life any other way and it saddens me when I realize that this is just a season of my life. Someday, (breathe, breathe) they will be out on their own. That is what we are preparing them for, I am fully aware of that and of course in favor of that progression of life. But my little heart aches at that thought....a day when my interaction with them is much more limited :-(.
Life is a funny round and round of events isn't it.....I remember not being able to understand my mother-in-law when we first got married....Steve being the last out of his parents house I was watching and listening to my mother in law mope around about it. In my 25 year old mind...I was like she finally has a chance to do what she wants...no worries about big dinners and extra laundry, late nights. Instead she was grieving ....I get it now...While you have it you are so in IT you can't see that there is going to be an end to this season. Its like the sleepless nights of a newborn....COME ON they go on forever until your eyes practically burn out of your skull...but really when you think back its over in a flash of time. Then one day you realize that you haven't been up with a kid in years...they don't even need you when they are sick now. That phase of life is over....and God ushers in a new one.
I have this love hate relationship with seasons....I love watching the new things that are going on with my kids. I love how we can now really talk about real life things....I love to see their independence and maturity. I love the fact that they are embracing things of God for themselves. I do like the fact that everyone ties shoes and makes beds :-). But when I go to church and hold someones newborn or see a mom out with gaggle of little kids I can't help but get that little pang inside reminding me of a season that has past for me. Most days I try not to get caught up in that because the Lord has too many great things in the season we are in the midst of ...I just couldn't help myself today....I could feel the tears welling up and the heart twisting a tad
....and then Ecclesiastes 3 came to my mind "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven"
God is in control of all the seasons of my life ....of my kids lives and seasons as well. He has ordered everything to this point and it has worked out pretty well...so I need to sit back so to speak and allow this season to roll in too....no its not easy...but you know what as I was typing this my dad came over ( my next door neighbor) :-) and I was reminded of how much I cried when I first got married because I wasn't ever going to live at my parents house again....it was so hard for my mind to wrap around that....BUT I survived and I actually ended up REALLY liking living with my husband....so some time change works out better than you thought!! Gripping onto keeping things the same isn't always the best plan to have.
For now I will keep pouring into the lives of my kids, because that is the season I am in. My prayer is not that they will stay with us forever, but that they will become adults that will be able to pour out abundantly into all the seasons that God has planned for them.
"I miss simpler days"....."I feel so torn"
I miss the days when there was NO thought of anyone being out of the house on the weekends....Now its actually a treat when all 4 kids end up with NO plans all weekend long. That makes me sad.....am I crazy ?? Maybe !! I know some parents who long for the days of freedom.....and yet I feel just the opposite some days. I mean don't get me wrong I do like that I can run to the grocery store by myself from time to time and quietly stroll the aisles with out 4 kids in tow. On the other hand I had a total melt down a few weeks back when NONE of my kids wanted to come out and run errands with me. My poor husband had to console me in the parking lot of Target as I boo-hooed into the phone like my life was almost over.
I love having my kids with me....even through the craziness and loudness and frustration that goes with having 4 kids with you 24 hours a day I honestly can't imagine life any other way and it saddens me when I realize that this is just a season of my life. Someday, (breathe, breathe) they will be out on their own. That is what we are preparing them for, I am fully aware of that and of course in favor of that progression of life. But my little heart aches at that thought....a day when my interaction with them is much more limited :-(.
Life is a funny round and round of events isn't it.....I remember not being able to understand my mother-in-law when we first got married....Steve being the last out of his parents house I was watching and listening to my mother in law mope around about it. In my 25 year old mind...I was like she finally has a chance to do what she wants...no worries about big dinners and extra laundry, late nights. Instead she was grieving ....I get it now...While you have it you are so in IT you can't see that there is going to be an end to this season. Its like the sleepless nights of a newborn....COME ON they go on forever until your eyes practically burn out of your skull...but really when you think back its over in a flash of time. Then one day you realize that you haven't been up with a kid in years...they don't even need you when they are sick now. That phase of life is over....and God ushers in a new one.
I have this love hate relationship with seasons....I love watching the new things that are going on with my kids. I love how we can now really talk about real life things....I love to see their independence and maturity. I love the fact that they are embracing things of God for themselves. I do like the fact that everyone ties shoes and makes beds :-). But when I go to church and hold someones newborn or see a mom out with gaggle of little kids I can't help but get that little pang inside reminding me of a season that has past for me. Most days I try not to get caught up in that because the Lord has too many great things in the season we are in the midst of ...I just couldn't help myself today....I could feel the tears welling up and the heart twisting a tad
....and then Ecclesiastes 3 came to my mind "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven"
God is in control of all the seasons of my life ....of my kids lives and seasons as well. He has ordered everything to this point and it has worked out pretty well...so I need to sit back so to speak and allow this season to roll in too....no its not easy...but you know what as I was typing this my dad came over ( my next door neighbor) :-) and I was reminded of how much I cried when I first got married because I wasn't ever going to live at my parents house again....it was so hard for my mind to wrap around that....BUT I survived and I actually ended up REALLY liking living with my husband....so some time change works out better than you thought!! Gripping onto keeping things the same isn't always the best plan to have.
For now I will keep pouring into the lives of my kids, because that is the season I am in. My prayer is not that they will stay with us forever, but that they will become adults that will be able to pour out abundantly into all the seasons that God has planned for them.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
DIsney ..car rides ....and my husband
So we did it !!
We made it back from Disney ......8 days.....44 hours of driving back and forth....
more gas station pit stops than my hand sanitizer could handle...3 parks...throw in a water park for extra fun....a few rainy afternoons.....one torrential down pour in the magic kingdom...more
fast food than I can to even discuss....if I never eat another chicken finger it WON'T
be too soon!! The lines were next to nothing so we rode our favorite rides multiple times!!
We were in the Magic Kingdom to night for their "Night of Joy" 3 stages set up
around the park with Christian concerts.....We had a front row to see Jeremy Camp, Sanctus Real.....and a not so front row to see Toby Mac, Skillet (insert the earplugs)..... we couldn't even get close to see one of our favorite artist Matthew West....and Nadia wiggled her way into see Group1Crew :-)) ...On a whole it was a fun 2 nights BUT can you say CRAZY !! Wow ..who knew it would be sooooo crowded ...I can assure you NOT us......I think Steve and I thought we would be in the Magic Kingdom with a few hundred other people and have the run of the park and a front row at every concert....SHOCKER....we weren't in New England any more :-) people came out in droves to see these concerts!!
So it was a very very packed week....and at times I did question WHY are we doing this ?? I felt like herded cattle ......filing in line after line......turnstile after turnstile......I know some would argue with me .....and I know it is a "magical" place....BUT man I was totally over stimulated !! And at times I felt kind of disconnected from the kids.....not a whole lot of time to have a heart to heart in those parks.
Steve and I always enjoy a get away...having kids never slowed us down....pack em' up and hit the road was the way we rolled! Always driving to our destinations......and the kids know that the drive IS part of the vacation.....we talk, read (alittle) listen to music...and LAUGH !! and sometimes having melt downs (none of us are exempt) There is something about being trapped all 6 of us in the van .....my husband loves it......when the kids were little I thought he was crazy but as they've gotten older the time feels alittle more precious....sometimes I just peer back and catch a glimpse on one of them snuggled up on the other one ...awww sweetness !! Sharing headphones ....or snacks.....sneaking the soda under the seat (like I didn't know) just doing NOTHING but being together ....I guess my husband was onto something way before me!!
We laughed so much and so hard on this car trip so many times my sides were hurting...I was literally doubled over as the kids went back and forth joking (mostly on me) but it was so refreshing to just laugh for hours and hours with them !! It also made me realize how our relationships are changing we are relating more on the same level now.....no pulling anything over on this bunch of kids anymore :-)
Then in all the laughter and greasy fast food stops....Steven breaks in with the hard reality " hey you guys know what ?" ...."no what Steven?" kind of thinking he was going to hit us with another joke......but instead he says "Nadia is 14 in 4 more years she could be in college and maybe she won't come on vacation with us" Ok so I braced myself for Steve driving off the road at that comment........WOW 4 lousy years....and then Steven 2 years behind her and Sophia 1 year behind him and then Nicholas 2 years after that.....oh my aching heart!! How fast time flies .....and how precious these memories are to me !!
I am so thankful that my husband had the wisdom to see it ......its not that he likes to "get away" for himself to kick back and rest.....it would have been MUCH more relaxing for him to stay home this past week.....but he tirelessly pushes through park after park (honestly sometimes dragging me) He pushed Sophia in a wheel chair one night because she had a fever and sore throat and felt pretty lousy ....he carries kids ....bags.....(mind you the bags that I bag are NOT light) He keeps us motivated when we start to loose steam.......and has gotten much better at seeing when we are all going to hit the wall :-) I so appreciate that !! He does all the driving...provides all the funding for all our fun .......and is so generous never making us feel that he is stressed about spending all this money in one week ( I grumble much more about that).
Thank you honey....for being so good at making memories .....and I know for however long we have all our kids in the "nest" you will see to making memories that all of us can tuck away in our hearts!!
So even though I don't think the Paiva family are official members of the Disney Fan Club :-) I am an official fan of being a wife to Steve Paiva and mom to Nadia, Steven, Sophia and Nicholas....and I would go just about anywhere with the 5 of them !!
We made it back from Disney ......8 days.....44 hours of driving back and forth....
more gas station pit stops than my hand sanitizer could handle...3 parks...throw in a water park for extra fun....a few rainy afternoons.....one torrential down pour in the magic kingdom...more
fast food than I can to even discuss....if I never eat another chicken finger it WON'T
be too soon!! The lines were next to nothing so we rode our favorite rides multiple times!!
We were in the Magic Kingdom to night for their "Night of Joy" 3 stages set uparound the park with Christian concerts.....We had a front row to see Jeremy Camp, Sanctus Real.....and a not so front row to see Toby Mac, Skillet (insert the earplugs)..... we couldn't even get close to see one of our favorite artist Matthew West....and Nadia wiggled her way into see Group1Crew :-)) ...On a whole it was a fun 2 nights BUT can you say CRAZY !! Wow ..who knew it would be sooooo crowded ...I can assure you NOT us......I think Steve and I thought we would be in the Magic Kingdom with a few hundred other people and have the run of the park and a front row at every concert....SHOCKER....we weren't in New England any more :-) people came out in droves to see these concerts!!
So it was a very very packed week....and at times I did question WHY are we doing this ?? I felt like herded cattle ......filing in line after line......turnstile after turnstile......I know some would argue with me .....and I know it is a "magical" place....BUT man I was totally over stimulated !! And at times I felt kind of disconnected from the kids.....not a whole lot of time to have a heart to heart in those parks.
Steve and I always enjoy a get away...having kids never slowed us down....pack em' up and hit the road was the way we rolled! Always driving to our destinations......and the kids know that the drive IS part of the vacation.....we talk, read (alittle) listen to music...and LAUGH !! and sometimes having melt downs (none of us are exempt) There is something about being trapped all 6 of us in the van .....my husband loves it......when the kids were little I thought he was crazy but as they've gotten older the time feels alittle more precious....sometimes I just peer back and catch a glimpse on one of them snuggled up on the other one ...awww sweetness !! Sharing headphones ....or snacks.....sneaking the soda under the seat (like I didn't know) just doing NOTHING but being together ....I guess my husband was onto something way before me!!
We laughed so much and so hard on this car trip so many times my sides were hurting...I was literally doubled over as the kids went back and forth joking (mostly on me) but it was so refreshing to just laugh for hours and hours with them !! It also made me realize how our relationships are changing we are relating more on the same level now.....no pulling anything over on this bunch of kids anymore :-)
Then in all the laughter and greasy fast food stops....Steven breaks in with the hard reality " hey you guys know what ?" ...."no what Steven?" kind of thinking he was going to hit us with another joke......but instead he says "Nadia is 14 in 4 more years she could be in college and maybe she won't come on vacation with us" Ok so I braced myself for Steve driving off the road at that comment........WOW 4 lousy years....and then Steven 2 years behind her and Sophia 1 year behind him and then Nicholas 2 years after that.....oh my aching heart!! How fast time flies .....and how precious these memories are to me !!
I am so thankful that my husband had the wisdom to see it ......its not that he likes to "get away" for himself to kick back and rest.....it would have been MUCH more relaxing for him to stay home this past week.....but he tirelessly pushes through park after park (honestly sometimes dragging me) He pushed Sophia in a wheel chair one night because she had a fever and sore throat and felt pretty lousy ....he carries kids ....bags.....(mind you the bags that I bag are NOT light) He keeps us motivated when we start to loose steam.......and has gotten much better at seeing when we are all going to hit the wall :-) I so appreciate that !! He does all the driving...provides all the funding for all our fun .......and is so generous never making us feel that he is stressed about spending all this money in one week ( I grumble much more about that).
Thank you honey....for being so good at making memories .....and I know for however long we have all our kids in the "nest" you will see to making memories that all of us can tuck away in our hearts!!
So even though I don't think the Paiva family are official members of the Disney Fan Club :-) I am an official fan of being a wife to Steve Paiva and mom to Nadia, Steven, Sophia and Nicholas....and I would go just about anywhere with the 5 of them !!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Nadia Rose Turns 14
I know I only seem to blog when I am feeling sentimental....but writing helps me keep from blubbering all over the place and direct my feelings into something productive and less messy !!
My Nadia Rose 14 today .....NO WAY !! Where did that go.....I mentioned that country song to Steve last night "Don't Blink" Well we must have blinked because we got a girl well on her way to 18.....and it seems like yesterday I was rocking her and kissing those chubby cheeks !! Now she is looking at me eye to eye ...capable of more than I want to admit......confident in ways that are beyond her years....beautiful deep down inside but that can't help but to burst to the surface. Sometimes when I am working side by side with her I glance over and I am caught totally off guard...she is more woman than girl now. There are times when I see her dancing with her daddy and I can picture her standing on his feet....and I can see the twinge of sadness in his eyes when he realizes how even though she will always be his little girl...she is no longer little. I savor those moments when her guard is down and one of her siblings (usually her brothers) get her giggling and I catch a glimpse of my funny little Nadia !!
As a mom I feel the shift.....I feel the difference in the type of "mothering" I need to do. Oh yeah there are days that I need to still lay down the law but for the most part I am needed as gentle guide...not a forceful hand holding on with a death grip.....no I get to save that for Nicholas :-) I've had to move the fence out a bit give some more grazing space......not always doing a happy dance over that one. But when I see her make good choices (and I often do) its a humbling feeling knowing that she has caught some of what we've been teaching.....it hasn't fallen on deaf ears or a hard heart. Its all we can pray and hope for as parents.
On a day like today I can't help but reflect......Nadia being our oldest has been at times the "guinea pig" so to speak....I mean really who has a clue on how hard it is to be a parent until you are in the thick of it. Those first few years are filled with trial and many errors......When you finally find your groove as a parents well maybe your other kids reap the benefits but by then the first born is well on their way. But Nadia was and always has been our easy going girl.....always gone with the flow.....even when family life with toddlers was stressful she never added stress into it....she was as first borns usually are independent and determined (still is). I remember the weekend I found out I was pregnant with Sophia ....we went out to buy 'big girl" underwear because the thought of 3 in diapers was paralyzing me.....with in a day I was confident I would only have 2 in diapers.....thats how things rolled with Nadia :-)
On days like today I can't help but to dream......and DREAM BIG !! Lord what do you have in store for my red-headed girl !! My prayer is that she will follow the Lord where He leads her....and that Steve and I won't hold her back in any way by wanting to hold onto her to tightly. I want her to flourish and grow.....using all the gifts that come naturally to her and developing the gifts that she has not even discovered she has.
On days like today I can't help but thank God for the day that Nadia Rose came into my life....her dad always tells her "she changed his life forever" and I totally agree.....from for the first second I laid eyes on her I have never been the same. Its an amazing feeling the first moments of motherhood you feel things down deep in places that you never knew you had and you never go back to the person you were before. Everything you do and every move you make is for your babies ......it who you are now.....and those kids are at the core of you now and you will do anything and EVERYTHING to make sure they are fulfilled physically and emotionally and spiritually. You can't even imagine love like that before you are a mom !!
Well happy 14th Nadia Rose......I know I've said it a million times but being your mom is one of the greatest blessing in my life.......I cherish every year and look forward to all that God has for us as mother and daughter :-)
My Nadia Rose 14 today .....NO WAY !! Where did that go.....I mentioned that country song to Steve last night "Don't Blink" Well we must have blinked because we got a girl well on her way to 18.....and it seems like yesterday I was rocking her and kissing those chubby cheeks !! Now she is looking at me eye to eye ...capable of more than I want to admit......confident in ways that are beyond her years....beautiful deep down inside but that can't help but to burst to the surface. Sometimes when I am working side by side with her I glance over and I am caught totally off guard...she is more woman than girl now. There are times when I see her dancing with her daddy and I can picture her standing on his feet....and I can see the twinge of sadness in his eyes when he realizes how even though she will always be his little girl...she is no longer little. I savor those moments when her guard is down and one of her siblings (usually her brothers) get her giggling and I catch a glimpse of my funny little Nadia !!
As a mom I feel the shift.....I feel the difference in the type of "mothering" I need to do. Oh yeah there are days that I need to still lay down the law but for the most part I am needed as gentle guide...not a forceful hand holding on with a death grip.....no I get to save that for Nicholas :-) I've had to move the fence out a bit give some more grazing space......not always doing a happy dance over that one. But when I see her make good choices (and I often do) its a humbling feeling knowing that she has caught some of what we've been teaching.....it hasn't fallen on deaf ears or a hard heart. Its all we can pray and hope for as parents.
On a day like today I can't help but reflect......Nadia being our oldest has been at times the "guinea pig" so to speak....I mean really who has a clue on how hard it is to be a parent until you are in the thick of it. Those first few years are filled with trial and many errors......When you finally find your groove as a parents well maybe your other kids reap the benefits but by then the first born is well on their way. But Nadia was and always has been our easy going girl.....always gone with the flow.....even when family life with toddlers was stressful she never added stress into it....she was as first borns usually are independent and determined (still is). I remember the weekend I found out I was pregnant with Sophia ....we went out to buy 'big girl" underwear because the thought of 3 in diapers was paralyzing me.....with in a day I was confident I would only have 2 in diapers.....thats how things rolled with Nadia :-)
On days like today I can't help but to dream......and DREAM BIG !! Lord what do you have in store for my red-headed girl !! My prayer is that she will follow the Lord where He leads her....and that Steve and I won't hold her back in any way by wanting to hold onto her to tightly. I want her to flourish and grow.....using all the gifts that come naturally to her and developing the gifts that she has not even discovered she has.
On days like today I can't help but thank God for the day that Nadia Rose came into my life....her dad always tells her "she changed his life forever" and I totally agree.....from for the first second I laid eyes on her I have never been the same. Its an amazing feeling the first moments of motherhood you feel things down deep in places that you never knew you had and you never go back to the person you were before. Everything you do and every move you make is for your babies ......it who you are now.....and those kids are at the core of you now and you will do anything and EVERYTHING to make sure they are fulfilled physically and emotionally and spiritually. You can't even imagine love like that before you are a mom !!
Well happy 14th Nadia Rose......I know I've said it a million times but being your mom is one of the greatest blessing in my life.......I cherish every year and look forward to all that God has for us as mother and daughter :-)
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