Sometimes I can grow very weary.....and I hear myself saying things like "I am just tired" or "I am done with this" or "I can't do this anymore" or at my lowest point "I quit"
As soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret phrases like that....now I am drastic by nature ....so of course I know very well I am not done....or quitting...or quite frankly many times I am not even tired. I can tell you what I am doing depending on myself to hold this whole thing together. On my own power I can't go very far.....at all. Sometimes when I get to this point I expect my husband to "power" me....to "carry" my load or make everything just right for me. Wow that's a lot of pressure to put on another person who has there own set of stresses and worries. He is an awful good sport about it though and very supportive and does try hard to relieve me and encourage me....but if I am honest even that falls short in so many ways.
So when I get to this point what am I to do? Run full force to the only one who can keep me filled up with the grace, patience, mercy and love. You see I don't have the option to quit or walk away when things get too tough.....and really I don't want to .....I totally hate when I even think those thoughts, never mind hearing them uttered out of my mouth. So I need to prevent myself from getting to that point of hitting the wall. I need to like any good runner (because you know that I am) I need to train.....and plan for the steep hills.....for the blazing hot temps and the calloused feet that I am surely going to get from pounding the same pavement over and over. I need to fill up on the goodness the Lord has for me so that I will be able to willingly pour out into the lives around me. When I am just taking a smidge of what the Lord has quite honestly I am not as willing to give it away....I start to horde......selfishly keep it stashed away. My God is generous I only need to ask.
So why don't I ? Pride......I can do this all on my own.....be a loving, supportive wife.....love my kids also educate them and raise them to do mighty things for the kingdom.....have a tidy house and serve 3 hot meals a day.....be a kind and concerned friend....and a daughter who blesses her parents....and minister at church.....and and and.....ok so it is pride ...because on my own I can't even begin to scratch the surface of this list....even as I typed this out I could feel the anxiety creep in .....as I shooed it away!!
I need to put that pride aside in order fully do all that the Lord has asked of me.....he has not asked of me more than he has provided for me. When I say that or type that now I do believe it. Tomorrow when I am teaching four kids and my laundry in high....and dishwasher full and I have squabbled with my husband and I don't feel very good about how I am managing things will I be willing to STOP everything and ask for the Lord to fill me up so I have enough to pour out. He alone has enough for me in all areas of my life !!
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