Things that go bump in the night

Well here I am 3:30 am ...this can't be good...don't bother reading if you get hung up on spelling or grammar because I am not much good at those two things at 3:30 in the afternoon !

Sleepless nights...I brag that I don't have them very often...and then when I have one I am very grateful.   Do you know how squeaky my floors are at 1am...or how loud my dishes are being stacked at 2 am...or how buzzy the dryer buzzer is at 3.  Thankfully I live with 5 very sound sleepers..and they haven't been any the wiser of my late night tidying.

Boy the night is long....and there is lots to think about...worry about...plot and plan about.  Then you start to get the funny feeling in the pit of your belly and you know you've entered what the professionals call anxiety.    Can I tell you that at 3:30 in the morning its very hard to put that anxiety to rest and close your eyes and attempt to fall back to sleep.  Hence the late night blogging.   Writing has always been the way I can organize and make sense of what gets me all in a jumbled mess in my mind.

So here I am.. tea brewed....Bible...stack of bills I just paid....clean paper for making lists and my fingers typing.  Yes I know an odd collection of things.    But this is how I figured it.   The tea is the "sweet dreams"type  Steve says its all in my head...but I am convinced that the stuff makes me sleepy.  Ok so tonight maybe I need two or three cups to do the job.   The bills ..pretty much a no brainer...paying them equals not worrying about them equals falling asleep.   So far no sleep and they've been paid for a few hours.    The blank paper for lists ..Yes my mom is my list hero...she has a list to make her lists...me not so much.  I am more of a "chart" girl...more broad and not so detailed.  I kind of fly by the seat of my pants on the daily stuff...which of course sometimes causes stresses because I do forget things (more often than I would like)  So when things get busy I bust out the paper and pen and go list crazy..which of course drives everyone crazy.   The only thing my family likes about my list is crossing everything off and tossing it.  

So the last thing sitting here in my pile is my Bible.   Also pretty much a no brainer ....so of course I start to read it....and I kind of do that open thingy and Job is staring me in the face....Ok so not exactly the most "stress-free" book in the Bible.   So I quickly let the blowing fan take me over to Psalms.   At least here I can find the familiar verses that we pep talk ourselves with....and then it hits me.  That is how I am with God.....isn't it.   I want all the familiar stuff.    Especially in the hard stuff..... I don't want God to throw me a curve ball.   I mean I've been a Christian or a human long enough to know that hard times are going to come.   Honestly I haven't had to deal with too much of it myself.   But please God if I do...make it A, B or C because I certainly can't handle X,Y or Z.
Wow..... really.... ok back over to Job I go.    He certainly didn't pick his plight...and yet he says "Though he slays me, yet will I hope in him." Job 13:15

He didn't give God a list of things not to do so he could still maintain his hope...his faith...his steadfastness.    I think I do.    Yuck....these late nights can really reveal some stuff you'd rather keep tucked away.
Anyways so my mind starts going...how far could God push me before I said UNCLE...no more God...this is the one thing I won't let you take!!   (like I have any control over that)  What I do have control over is my attitude when he walks me through a season that I didn't see coming and certainly would rather not trudge through....how do I handle it.   Though you slay me....my HOPE is in you!    Gulp.....yes Lord....even then...my hope is in you.  
The fact is I've seen many of my friends walk through times and said to myself "I don't know if I could handle that"  and guess what it wasn't for me to handle.   God has "things" for me to handle he has times of joy and he has times of sorrow and times of testing.   I don't get to say "I don't know if I can handle that" to the things that he has for me.   I can and I will handle it.   See I don't get much of a choice here....if I say you've got all of me God ....then I can't go and decide to take some back when it doesn't suit me or I know its going to be painful.  I mean I could....we do it all the time.   But do I really want to?  
Towards the end of Job there is this little line that says "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first...and it goes onto list all the things that the Lord restored to Job.   Pretty awesome....Though you slay me , YET will I hope in him......not that we endure trials to greedily reap God's blessings.   But God doesn't hold back his blessings from those who hope in Him.

So that is what my pile of stuff laying next to me led me to...the tea...not doing the trick.  The bills yup still paid...but about 3 o'clock tomorrow they'll be a few more in my mailbox.   The list ahhhh I stink at writing lists who am I kidding.   My Bible....never fails me....the pit in my stomach pretty much gonzo..replaced by an urge for breakfast now.   My anxiety in check....do I have stuff to be anxious about ...sure...I am breathing.    What good is it going to do me.   If he has brought something into my life I know he will walk beside me.   In the process of it all he will reveal more of himself to me.  Hopefully when I've walked through it I will be a smidgen more of a reflection of the One I put my hope in !!

Ok totally side note but tomorrow ...actually today we have a birthday to CELEBRATE ....Nadia Rose is turning 15 .....yikes no wonder I can't sleep.    I can't believe I am old enough to have a kid 15 ..totally crazy if you ask me.   Any-who....I know we moms all have to say the many nice things about our kids ....especially on FB or bloggy things so EVERYONE knows how swell our kids are :-))) and in turn think maybe we are swell too (you know its true)  But really she is a pretty great kid....and how that is happening is beyond me.  Yes Steve and I take our parenting very seriously....but she is our oldest and you know how that goes....lots of trial and era...poor thing...we can be slow learners.   She is gracious though....kind of...ok so that isn't her strongest point....but we laugh about it....and its funny as they get older you can catch glimpses of them getting it that you're really just all in this together trying to figure this out as you go each day...begging God for wisdom and grace.   I love that girl....I prayed for a red-headed baby ....married someone with dark hair....loved him too much to get sidetracked on hair color.   But God grants even the smallest desires of our hearts.    Happy Birthday Nadia ....I love you so....and if we could arrange for you to stay 15 for like the next 5 years that would be swell...because there is going to be no living with your dad if you keep this up !!

Steve's gym alarm clock is going off...good night....or good morning....good coffee here I come !!

Nana Clare

I had the privilege of being able to speak at my grandmothers funeral yesterday.  Of course as with the loss of a loved one you grieve not being able to see them again.   As I went through the 2 days before her funeral and dug through the treasure chest of memories I had with Nana the peace that I had was so deep,  I knew God had prepared us for this day.   I post this so that you can catch a glimpse of who she was to me,  but also to encourage you to catch the vision that what we do today we do not do for ourselves but rather for the generations to come. 


I would like to spend just a few minutes to honor my Nana.

I have to privilege of being her oldest grandchild, and though it is very true my grandmother never had favorites among us I have to admit to my brothers and cousins after I had my forth child I would tease her and say I must be her favorite now because after all I had four kids to be just like her.  She would laugh.  But I knew, just like all of us knew, that we were all her favorites.

Each one of us were special to her.  If you ever doubted that all you had to do was go over and sit at her kitchen table.  She would start pulling out the leftovers, even though you had insisted that you had just eaten.  You would end up with a plate full of food and a cup of instant coffee.  Then she would sit with you and talk.   She and I would often end up talking about raising kids.  She would tell me some story about raising her own kids.  Then tell me I was doing a good job with my own.   I can't begin to tell you how much her words would encourage me as a young mother.

There are many things that I will remember about Nana.  I don't think I'll ever pass a yard sale without thinking of her.  The smell of meatballs frying with bring me back to her kitchen and who could forget Nana in her pink rollers.

But the thing I will remember most about Nana are her hands.  As she grew older I would look at her hands and to me they would tell her life story.  Most would say they were wrinkled and worn.  But I looked at them and saw a legacy...my legacy.

One of the earliest memories I have of Nana was when we were living on Pembroke Ave.  At the change of the season she would come and help my mom iron curtains.  No one could hand wash and iron curtains like Nana.   I can picture Mama sitting at our dining room table, my mom wiping down windows and Nana's hands dancing over the ruffles and valances with the steaming iron.  How rich my world felt that day sitting there with my great-grandmother , grandmother, and mother.  I know those are some of the moments that have made me who I am today.  Nothing fancy just one generation teaching the next...one set of capable hands loving on the younger one.

I saw her hands cook meals and always have enough to give to a neighbor.  In fact the neighbors always got the first portion she would gladly take less for herself.

Those hands were always generous..she always had  a little money to slip in your pocket and a wink to keep it between us.

I saw her tender hands lovingly care for her own mother.  Selflessly putting her own life aside to feed, wash and lift her into bed each night.  I saw the fruits of that as I watched my own mom do the same for her.

I watched her hands hold my babies as she imparted motherly advice to me.  Those memories I will always hold dear to my heart.

Then I watched my children hold her weaker hands and no matter how she was feeling she always had a smile for them.

Her hands weren't into fancy things of this world.  They were practical and frugal.  Not so she could have more for herself,  only so that she could do more for all of us.

Her hands never rested but were diligent.  If someone needed care she would set herself to the task.  No task was beneath her.  Her hands always had a purpose.

The last time I saw Nana I held her hand, my strong one, in her frail one.  The arthritis had taken a toll on them.  But to me they were still beautiful...I looked and studied them a bit, and then looked at my own.   Hers had once looked like mine and she had done her job well.  Now it is my hands who are to reach into the next generation...

I can't imagine doing it as selflessly as she has all these years but I am not left to figure it all out for myself because there is yet another set of hands in my life that reflect hers very well.  I get to look to them and hold onto them for guidance.

In closing I leave you with a scripture from Ecclesiastes 

Whatever you hand finds to do,  do it with all your might;

Nana did that she never gave half and effort to anything she did.   It's days like today that should make us stop and think and look at our own hands and ask the question what am I doing with these to make someone elses life better?

Nana you led me by example that it is not in the extravagant life that you find contentment.   It is in serving others that we really find true joy.  I may never be able to fill your shoes Nana but I hope my hands can love others tirelessly like yours did.  Until one day when we stand in Heaven ...hand in hand....I love you.