Well here I am 3:30 am ...this can't be good...don't bother reading if you get hung up on spelling or grammar because I am not much good at those two things at 3:30 in the afternoon !
Sleepless nights...I brag that I don't have them very often...and then when I have one I am very grateful. Do you know how squeaky my floors are at 1am...or how loud my dishes are being stacked at 2 am...or how buzzy the dryer buzzer is at 3. Thankfully I live with 5 very sound sleepers..and they haven't been any the wiser of my late night tidying.
Boy the night is long....and there is lots to think about...worry about...plot and plan about. Then you start to get the funny feeling in the pit of your belly and you know you've entered what the professionals call anxiety. Can I tell you that at 3:30 in the morning its very hard to put that anxiety to rest and close your eyes and attempt to fall back to sleep. Hence the late night blogging. Writing has always been the way I can organize and make sense of what gets me all in a jumbled mess in my mind.
So here I am.. tea brewed....Bible...stack of bills I just paid....clean paper for making lists and my fingers typing. Yes I know an odd collection of things. But this is how I figured it. The tea is the "sweet dreams"type Steve says its all in my head...but I am convinced that the stuff makes me sleepy. Ok so tonight maybe I need two or three cups to do the job. The bills ..pretty much a no brainer...paying them equals not worrying about them equals falling asleep. So far no sleep and they've been paid for a few hours. The blank paper for lists ..Yes my mom is my list hero...she has a list to make her lists...me not so much. I am more of a "chart" girl...more broad and not so detailed. I kind of fly by the seat of my pants on the daily stuff...which of course sometimes causes stresses because I do forget things (more often than I would like) So when things get busy I bust out the paper and pen and go list crazy..which of course drives everyone crazy. The only thing my family likes about my list is crossing everything off and tossing it.
So the last thing sitting here in my pile is my Bible. Also pretty much a no brainer ....so of course I start to read it....and I kind of do that open thingy and Job is staring me in the face....Ok so not exactly the most "stress-free" book in the Bible. So I quickly let the blowing fan take me over to Psalms. At least here I can find the familiar verses that we pep talk ourselves with....and then it hits me. That is how I am with God.....isn't it. I want all the familiar stuff. Especially in the hard stuff..... I don't want God to throw me a curve ball. I mean I've been a Christian or a human long enough to know that hard times are going to come. Honestly I haven't had to deal with too much of it myself. But please God if I do...make it A, B or C because I certainly can't handle X,Y or Z.
Wow..... really.... ok back over to Job I go. He certainly didn't pick his plight...and yet he says "Though he slays me, yet will I hope in him." Job 13:15
He didn't give God a list of things not to do so he could still maintain his hope...his faith...his steadfastness. I think I do. Yuck....these late nights can really reveal some stuff you'd rather keep tucked away.
Anyways so my mind starts going...how far could God push me before I said UNCLE...no more God...this is the one thing I won't let you take!! (like I have any control over that) What I do have control over is my attitude when he walks me through a season that I didn't see coming and certainly would rather not trudge through....how do I handle it. Though you slay me....my HOPE is in you! Gulp.....yes Lord....even then...my hope is in you.
The fact is I've seen many of my friends walk through times and said to myself "I don't know if I could handle that" and guess what it wasn't for me to handle. God has "things" for me to handle he has times of joy and he has times of sorrow and times of testing. I don't get to say "I don't know if I can handle that" to the things that he has for me. I can and I will handle it. See I don't get much of a choice here....if I say you've got all of me God ....then I can't go and decide to take some back when it doesn't suit me or I know its going to be painful. I mean I could....we do it all the time. But do I really want to?
Towards the end of Job there is this little line that says "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first...and it goes onto list all the things that the Lord restored to Job. Pretty awesome....Though you slay me , YET will I hope in him......not that we endure trials to greedily reap God's blessings. But God doesn't hold back his blessings from those who hope in Him.
So that is what my pile of stuff laying next to me led me to...the tea...not doing the trick. The bills yup still paid...but about 3 o'clock tomorrow they'll be a few more in my mailbox. The list ahhhh I stink at writing lists who am I kidding. My Bible....never fails me....the pit in my stomach pretty much gonzo..replaced by an urge for breakfast now. My anxiety in check....do I have stuff to be anxious about ...sure...I am breathing. What good is it going to do me. If he has brought something into my life I know he will walk beside me. In the process of it all he will reveal more of himself to me. Hopefully when I've walked through it I will be a smidgen more of a reflection of the One I put my hope in !!
Ok totally side note but tomorrow ...actually today we have a birthday to CELEBRATE ....Nadia Rose is turning 15 .....yikes no wonder I can't sleep. I can't believe I am old enough to have a kid 15 ..totally crazy if you ask me. Any-who....I know we moms all have to say the many nice things about our kids ....especially on FB or bloggy things so EVERYONE knows how swell our kids are :-))) and in turn think maybe we are swell too (you know its true) But really she is a pretty great kid....and how that is happening is beyond me. Yes Steve and I take our parenting very seriously....but she is our oldest and you know how that goes....lots of trial and era...poor thing...we can be slow learners. She is gracious though....kind of...ok so that isn't her strongest point....but we laugh about it....and its funny as they get older you can catch glimpses of them getting it that you're really just all in this together trying to figure this out as you go each day...begging God for wisdom and grace. I love that girl....I prayed for a red-headed baby ....married someone with dark hair....loved him too much to get sidetracked on hair color. But God grants even the smallest desires of our hearts. Happy Birthday Nadia ....I love you so....and if we could arrange for you to stay 15 for like the next 5 years that would be swell...because there is going to be no living with your dad if you keep this up !!
Steve's gym alarm clock is going off...good night....or good morning....good coffee here I come !!
